


rest and know, the love you hold (it wont be taken back)

by Amberflannel



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: First Kiss, Fjord's POV, Gratuitous amounts of touching, M/M, Not Beta'd, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers for episode 99, fate talks, no hurt just comfort, these boys are in love the Wildmother told me herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25023247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberflannel/pseuds/Amberflannel
Summary: Fjord and Caduceus talk about fate.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 8
Kudos: 77





	rest and know, the love you hold (it wont be taken back)

**Author's Note:**

> listen i know the nein all sleep together in the dome after fjord is revived but consider this: i do what i want

The sway and pull of the ship was strong enough to unsettle Fjord.  
For all his years spent on the sea, Fjord could never let himself just be caught up in the beauty of a storm. Storms were violent, and dangerous, and powerful. He knew now more than ever what nature was capable of; its infinity, and its weight, and its disregard for human emotion. How nature bent its neck for no man, especially not him. The form of the Ball-Eater shifted side to side with the current, making the wooden walls of Fjord’s quarters creak and moan around him. Out his porthole he could just barely make out the ocean waves, no moon to highlight the crests of its tides.  
An empty bottle rolled across the floor and thumped against the opposite wall. Fjord could have gotten up and secured it, but right now he felt he needed the incessant distraction. His eyes traced the bottle back and forth, his ears taking in the sound of the hollow glass rolling across the wide planks. It was a melodic sound, rhythmic in a way that was oddly comforting. Fjord knew if he tried to sleep the dull ache in his chest would start burning again, and no matter if it were a real vision or not, all he would see was that damned yellow eye, so instead he watched the bottle roll across the floor. It slid back again and hit the other wall this time. Fjord shifted up slightly in bed so he could still see it.  
It could have been minutes or hours later when there was a soft tapping at the door. Fjord almost counted it as a continuation of the steady noise the bottle had been making until it came again, a light _tap tap tap… tap tap_ at his door. Fjord was going to say something, but he felt like his voice was trapped in his throat, only a light cough escaping instead. He didn’t have to speak though, because the door creaked open slightly anyways without a response, and a wave of pink hair washed purple in the shadows of the night peaked through the crack. The bottle rolled back across the floor again.  
Caduceus opened the door fully, but he didn’t step in yet. Instead, he braced himself on the door so as not to fall, and gazed from the bottle on the floor to Fjord’s curled form on his bed. Fjord knew Caduceus couldn’t see in the dark as well as he himself could, but he still felt like Caduceus could pick out every detail without darkvision, even the one's fjord was unaware of, when he stared like that.  
“Fjord,” he mumbled. His mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to form syllables, but ultimately any words that were attempting to escape died on his tongue. Fjord wasn’t the best at judging characters but he thought Caduceus seemed more distant than usual. That almost made him more nervous than the thought of seeing U’kotoa in his dreams.  
Fjord cleared his throat, coughing lightly but painfully. His mouth felt dry and sticky and tasted foul. Caduceus had warned him earlier that he might not feel very well after being resurrected, especially after having one of Uk’otoa’s orbs purged from him only moments later, and he hadn’t been wrong. His limbs burned in a bad way, and it took too much effort to speak.  
“Caduceus,” he rasped back, despite the discomfort. Neither name said was a question or an answer, but a revelation; a relief.  
“Can.. Can I come in?” Even with the tail of a question at the end of his sentence, Fjord didn’t think he was asking. He wasn’t going to turn him away anyways.  
“Yeah. Yeah, please.”  
Caduceus crossed the room in a few simple strides, still keeping his balance even as the ship swayed. He was so graceful like that, in such a simple way. He wasn’t like Beau, who artfully dodged attacks with ease, or like Nott, who could weave and maneuver not only her body but her lockpicks as well- Caduceus was like the ocean tide. He was steady and deliberate, but fluid with his movements in a way that enamored Fjord to no end. He watched with half-closed eyes as Caduceus came toward him. He stepped over the bottle as it rolled through his path, almost like he hadn’t even noticed it, and stopped at the edge of Fjord’s bed. He only hesitated then, his last step faltering a little.  
“I-” Caduceus started, but then he cut himself off and looked away, his long locks of hair falling forward in front of his face. If Fjord could’ve sat up to reach the man’s face, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from trying to brush them away and tuck them behind his long, velvety ears. Fjord could just barely see the crease in Caduceus’ brow as he frowned, and Fjord could only think about how unnatural it looked on him.  
“You okay?” Fjord mumbled, and attempted to push himself up a little in bed but his arms protested heavily, so he lowered himself down again. Caduceus blew air at his words, making his hair flutter, and looked back down at Fjord.  
“Me? Fjord, of course I’m fine. I’m not the one who got stabbed through the chest tonight.” Caduceus spoke in a hushed tone, like he was afraid to disturb Fjord even though the man was awake sitting right in front of him.  
“That doesn’t mean-” Fjord started, but a cough rattled painfully from his chest and kept his words from continuing. He felt Caduceus put a hand on his leg, and the tenderness in his touch almost hurt more than the pain in his lungs.  
“Easy, easy, you’re okay, just take a few breaths for me, it’ll help clear that up.” As Fjord took a few painful breaths, Caduceus closed his eyes and a dull greenish glow stirred from his fingertips. The healing magic began to flare, but then it flickered out like a fire that had been snuffed by a strong wind. Caduceus flexed his fingers at that, and his face twisted again in a helpless way. Fjord didn’t have to be an expert at reading people to know he was scared.  
“Caduceus..” Fjord whispered again, and cringed at the tone of his voice. He sounded so vulnerable and he hated it.  
“I’m right here,” Caduceus whispered back. His one hand on Fjord’s leg gave a gentle reassuring squeeze.  
“Could you just- come down here, please.” Fjord scooted over best he could with his minimal strength, and looked over his shoulder, quietly expectant at Caduceus. He almost didn’t realize he was holding his breath, until the pressure in his chest made the tickle of a cough build in his throat again and a dull burn began under his sternum. Caduceus’ ears twitched out of sync, a tic Fjord had noticed Caduceus do sometimes, but he hadn’t a clue what it meant. He hoped it wasn’t anything bad.  
A beat or two passed in silence before Caduceus moved, sitting gently on the edge of the mattress. Fjord breathed again.  
The bed was small enough as it was, without a 7’ tall firbolg in it, and now it felt even smaller. Caduceus had to tuck his knees between Fjord’s legs to keep his body from falling off the edge, and he had to put his arm up over his head so it didn’t lay on top of Fjord’s face. It was intimate in a way Fjord had never experienced, feeling the other man’s form almost become an extension of his own. Caduceus’ soft fur on his knees tickled at fjord’s thighs, but he never tried to pull away.  
“Hey,” Fjord breathed. They were so close now, nose to nose, and he couldn’t stop staring. Caduceus was so ethereal, with his long eyelashes and his high cheekbones. He looked like something out of one of the books he read when he was young, about a fey creature that hid under your sheets and ate your food when you weren’t looking. Maybe he was one of those creatures. Fjord didn’t know if it mattered, so as long as he got to stay tangled with Caduceus like this forever.  
“Hey,” Caduceus returned just as softly, blinking slowly in the low light.  
“Caduceus I…” Fjord started. His chest felt tight, but not like before. Not just because of the wound, healed over with pink lichen. It was something different this time. “Just. Thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t be here.” His throat tightened around the words, like saying it would somehow make it real. Caduceus' face twisted again, and it looked so wrong to see that anger that curled in his lips.  
“If I had done better, gotten to you quicker, there wouldn’t have even been a chance of you not being here. I can’t stop thinking about what could’ve happened- I’ve, I’ve never felt that much anger in my life, Fjord.” Fjord watched Caduceus take a steadying breath and close his eyes tight. There were small tears forming there, beaded like dewdrops, and Fjord couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and brushing one away.  
“Hey, hey, Caduceus, it’s alright, I’m right here.” Fjord let his palm drift down Caduceus’ cheek, brushing over the soft peachy fur that coated his skin. “You _saved_ me. Nothing else matters, not now. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere any time soon, not when I have you here with me, you hear?”  
“You’re not going anywhere,” Caduceus affirmed. He reached over with his free hand and covered Fjord’s own on his face, his thumb rubbing soft circles in the half-orcs skin. “I won’t let them take away your destiny, Fjord. Yours, or mine.” Caduceus finally opened his eyes again and Fjord was taken aback by the fierce protectiveness they held. In the dark of his room Caduceus’ pupils were blown wide, and Fjord wanted desperately to believe it wasn’t just because of the low light.  
The two stayed like that for a while, intertwined and lulled by the rocking of the ship. Caduceus had moved his palm off of Fjord's hand at some point and put it instead on Fjord’s face. Fjord’s own hand had fallen away when Caduceus’ did, lying innocently between the two of their bodies. Caduceus traced his thumb along the scar that was above Fjord’s eyebrow, down to the jagged end of it, and then across his cheek. Fjord felt himself leaning into the touch, finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open. At some point the glass bottle loose in the chamber had gotten lodged somewhere, because the steady rhythm it had produced was now silent. Caduceus’ fingertips trailed down the half-orcs face feather-lightly, feeling the slight stubble on his cheeks, the heat that radiated from his skin. Fjord shifted under him and he felt so vulnerable, baring his neck in a way that was so natural and personal. Caduceus moved with him, like seaweed in the current. His hand trailed down Fjord’s neck gently, and a small shiver passed along the man’s spine at the sensation. The fingers drifted further and further down his bared chest, until they faltered at the edge of the new scar tissue on his abdomen. Fjord could feel the anxiety that bubbled up from the firbolg next to him at the graze of the healed wound.  
"It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt to touch it,” Fjord murmured, breaking the silence that had hung between them. Caduceus didn’t respond for a while, his hand locked in motion right above the twisted mark that spanned the other man’s chest. Fjord’s half-lidded eyes watched Caduceus quietly. He didn’t want to push, worried about shattering the spell the two were under. He didn’t think he could take it if Caduceus left now, even imagining being alone now made a chill course through him.  
Finally Caduceus moved. Slowly and carefully, he brushed against the raised line of skin on Fjord’s stomach, feeling the ridges and bumps of the now healed wound. It wasn’t painful at all, and Fjord found the touch relieved an invisible pressure that he hadn’t even noticed was there. Caduceus’ fingers were cool against Fjord’s almost feverish skin, leaving a ghost of the feeling where he had been touched. His eyes fluttered shut, focusing on the sensation on his body.  
Fjord’s mind was fuzzy with sleep by now, falling in and out of consciousness. The original spark of another's touch had faded away, replaced with a newly familiar comfort that put Fjord at ease in a way he was unaccustomed to. Caduceus continued his ministrations, now relaxed enough to touch the surrounding skin off the scar and back again, but never with the intentions of anything more. It seemed to be as comforting to Caduceus as it was to Fjord, a reminder they were safe now, that no monsters or eldritch beings could touch them as long as they were laced together.  
Fjord was close to finally drifting to sleep when a question surfaced in his mind, something he’d thought about before, but never had the courage to say. Before he could think too hard about it, he let the words slip from his lips.  
“Caduceus.. What do you think your destiny is?” He asked. His hand that had been laying loosely between their two bodies twitched open and closed, almost in an expectant motion.  
“I know it’s really no use to speculate, that we need to y’know, just have faith, trust in the Gods, but don’t you ever think about it?” The room was silent for a time, with no response from Caduceus. His hand had stilled slightly against Fjord’s chest, but not completely, his thumb still circling the lower half of the scar. Fjord wasn’t sure if the cleric was going to respond, until he breathed in deeply, and let out a long breath through his nose that tickled Fjord’s face.  
“You know, I spent a very long time telling myself my destiny was whatever the Wildmother had planned for me. I thought that thinking about it had no purpose when I could be doing so much more for Her instead. I think… I think I’ve always been afraid, deep down, that if I thought too much about it, I.. I would be disappointed at the outcome. That all I would be good for was my home- which wouldn’t be a bad thing, it’s just…” Caduceus shook his head slightly, seeming to shoo at the stray thoughts. “I pushed those ideas away. I decided it didn’t matter where I went or what I did as long as it fulfilled my purpose to the Wildmother.”  
“I think I understand that,” Fjord responded quietly, twisting his fingers in the thin sheets on the bed.  
“Yeah.” Caduceus was quiet again, like he was working up to something, so Fjord stayed silent, watching Caduceus with an unconcealed expression. He couldn’t tell if it was Caduceus’ rapid heartbeat he could hear, or his own.  
“But now... somethings changed,” Caduceus continued quietly. “I met you, and the rest, and at first it was difficult. I felt like I was lost for a while, like that idea I had pushed down for so long was slowly coming true. That agonizing idea that I was never actually meant to leave home.” Caduceus wasn’t looking at Fjord, instead he gazed over the man and out the porthole, into the dark.  
“Fjord, you weren’t the only one who learned about what faith meant. I thought I knew, but you taught me just as much as I did for you, about what faith really is.” Caduceus looked back at Fjord and Fjord was struck by how unsure he appeared. It was so uncharacteristic, the pinched brow and darting eyes. Fjord kept listening.  
“Of course I can’t be sure, faith is like that for a reason, you know, but I can hope. I can hope that maybe... just maybe it’s you.”  
Caduceus’ hand that had been on Fjord’s chest moved away, and Fjord was filled with so many emotions at once, so many he couldn’t comprehend about what Caduceus meant and what he wanted it to mean and his own jumbled ideas of _destiny,_ until Caduceus’ hand brushed against Fjord’s own between them and his thoughts calmed.  
“I think you’re my destiny, Fjord. It just feels so _right,_ like our paths were always meant to cross and intertwine together.” Caduceus said more firmly, less like an idle wish and more like a reality. A truth.  
“You really think so?” Fjord felt breathless, his words barely coming out as a whisper. He weakly turned his hand in Caduceus’ so their palms slid together, and suddenly it felt like a key fitting into its lock: perfectly shaped, created to go together. Caduceus’ hand was slender, and it had calluses Fjord hadn't noticed until he felt them with his own hand, most likely from his staff and his gardening habits. Fjord’s palm was shorter and wider, and surprisingly smooth, his own calluses having healed and disappeared in the time since he met the Nein. It made him laugh, in awe, and all he could do was stare.  
“Yeah. I do.” There was a smile in Caduceus' voice, like he was experiencing the same waves of realization as Fjord. Both of them looked up at the same time, eyes locking and Fjord couldn’t stop himself. They were still so close, the gap between them small enough that Fjord could just... lean in.  
So he did.  
He pressed his lips softly against Caduceus’, gentle but meaningful, letting his eyes drift shut as he did. There were no sparks or swoops, not like how any of the previous kisses he had experienced had felt. It was pure bliss. Caduceus kissed him back just as sweetly, squeezing their still threaded hands between their bodies as he pressed closer, like they were the only things in the universe that existed.  
Just as softly they pulled apart, and Fjord felt nothing but calm. He didn’t open his eyes, he just nestled his face into the crook of Caduceus’ neck and took a long, deep breath. It still burned dully in his chest, but he didn’t care. Caduceus smelled like rain and peat moss and Fjord was here, he was alive, and he could feel more than hear Caduceus‘ soft chuckle at his actions. It made him feel whole.  
“I think you’re my destiny too,” Fjord hummed into the other man’s neck. Fjord still didn’t understand the idea of fate completely, but he couldn’t deny the pull he felt when he was with Caduceus. Like Caduceus had said, it felt right. He couldn’t imagine a life without the other man in it anymore, couldn’t imagine defeating Uk’otoa and protecting his friends and serving the Wildmother without Caduceus by his side. Caduceus just laughed again at Fjord’s words, but it was a deeper laugh, something like relief dusted upon his voice. He leaned his head down against Fjord’s, nestling them closer, slipping his free arm around the other man to pull them closer together. Their hands were still wound together tightly between them, stuck together like two pieces of the same puzzle.  
“Goodnight, Caduceus,” Fjord whispered over the distant crash of the ocean. “Thank you.”  
“Sleep well, Fjord,” Caduceus responded, just as tenderly. Fjord could hear Caduceus' heartbeat slowing much like his own, sleep taking over finally. Fjord let sleep take him too.  
No dreams came to Fjord for the rest of the night. Wrapped up in the man he loved, he was safe. That much he was sure. No one else noticed, but the ocean settled as they drifted, the waves making the ship rock at a soothing pace, and a warm breeze blew through the interior of the ship, despite the coldness of the night and the storm. Fate could be cruel and hard, like the rest of the world, but just for tonight, there was nothing but calm.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!  
> I started this a little after ep 99 aired, and then the hiatus happened and I forgot about it, but then I found it again and was like “hey this is actually pretty good” so I figured it would be appropriate to finish it before CR comes back!
> 
> Fic title is from the song “TrusT” by Half Alive, arguably the most fjorclay song out there
> 
> Come follow me @Amber_Flannel on Twitter for more incoherent shouting about Critical Role as well as whatever other interest has caught my attention in the moment.


End file.
